Author: Kenneth

Flavors of codependency

By Ken P. 30+ years in Al-Anon.

Dodependency is a mental illness associated with addicted households. There are certain characteristics common to all codependents, but these three characteristics are commonly exhibited.

The super-denier codependent

The basic distinguishing characteristic of all the members in the addicted household is denial. Therefore, the first type of codependent is the type who has simply perfected denial. These people adopt every excuse made by the alcoholic. They blame anybody else for the consequences inevitably suffered by the drinker. They even make up their own excuses. This kind of codependent supports their addict financially, and a major portion of time and energy is spent cleaning up every mess the addict makes. For example, when one divorce after another happens to their alcoholic son or daughter this type of codependent parent will always blame the failure of the latest marriage on the latest marriage partner. I have seen this role worked to a tee by elderly parents with an alcoholic child. You might have a single son in his thirties or even forties with two high functioning parents who have a surplus of money. Yes, Robby has just been left by his third wife, but she was never right for him anyway. Her mother never liked Robby. Her mother drove a wedge between Robby and his wife…his drinking was never the problem.

Notice that these doting parents still call their adult son by his childhood name, and they still support him, not only financially, but emotionally. He calls his mother every day. One or both of his parents’ daily existence still revolves around him. He gives them purpose. He also gives them commiseration and status from neighbors and other family members. “Henry and Cynthia are just wonderful people for taking care of that pitiful Robby after all of these years.” If this couple doesn’t get help with their codependency and finally allow their “child” to suffer the consequences of his or her behavior they will literally love their Robby to death.

How far can this denial be taken? I have sponsored more than one Al-Anon man whose soon-to-be ex-wife continued charging on his credit cards while he continued paying the monthly bill. Sometimes she was spending this money while dating other men! His denial was so strong that he just could not believe that money was all that was the only thing left that she wanted. Also, his denial would not let him accept that the marriage was really over. In at least three of these situations, when he cancelled the credit cards, she suddenly had a change of heart and granted him the divorce he had been seeking after months of delay. Incidentally, with the changes in roles that have happened during the past few decades this scenario is often reversed, with the high functioning codependent wife continuing to maintain a high-paying professional career while supporting a philandering addicted husband.

The codependent in charge

The second type of enabler actually needs the flaws of the alcoholic or addict that keep their loved one being irresponsible so that they can stay in control. What better set-up for this passive-aggressive type than to have a respected, outwardly dominant spouse, for example, who is indebted and guilt-ridden because of the years of misbehavior. This enabling codependent person remains poised to remind him of embarrassing situations from decades ago as a means of maintaining control. The “good one” makes all of the real adult decisions in the family. An alcoholic, for example, with this kind of an enabler at home is not a spouse so much as he or she is a hostage. This situation can be especially debilitating to the addict because the controller secretly does not want recovery, for fear of losing their power position. If he ever hits a bottom and goes for help she will say outwardly that she is pleased, but the moment he gives the slightest sign that he wants to resume his addiction, she will go and buy it for him!

For the high functioning husband with an addicted wife in this situation he gets pay-offs left and right from his wife’s negative behavior. He is in control of the family, and he simultaneously enjoys admiration from everybody outside the living room because he appears to be such a saint when compared to his wife’s offensiveness. This sick man’s wife’s addiction is a double payoff for him. Neighbors quickly start talking when this new family moves into their area. Right away he starts taking care of other people’s yards, watching over their property when they travel, and chatting with them socially. In the meantime, sooner or later, somebody on the block will have an exchange with his wife, and it will not be so pleasant. The talk that starts around the block sounds about like this; “He is a wonderful guy; I just love him, but he has to be a saint to put up with that wife of his.”

The Non-existent codependent

The third type of codependent is the most pitiful. This person needs somebody else in the scapegoat-blustering- abusive role in order to be complete. This codependent thinks so little of themselves that they only exist as a reflection of the other person. I once heard a couselor refer to this person as the spider on the mirror. If the addict is the spider and the codependent only the reflection of the spider in the mirror, the reflection has opted out of making any life decisions. The reflection just reacts to every move of the spider, never taking the risk involved in making personal choices or decisions. The dependency is so complete here that, should the spider walk off of the mirror, the reflection disappears! Given those dire consequences, the name of the game for the codependent is doing everything necessary to avoid being abandoned. There is just no limit to which the reflection will go to accommodate the behavior of the addict. Public humiliation at the hands of the sick person, especially when that person is “in his cups” is common. This role is often favored by Al-Anon women. Women still do not make equal pay for equal responsibility on the job in America. It has been my observation through the decades that a woman is much more likely to stay with an alcoholic husband (or wealthy alcoholic father) for financial and security reasons than is a man. Most men will leave the alcoholic wife (usually to go and find another one that he can dominate), where most codependent women will stay with an addicted man as long as he continues functioning well enough to support the family. This is why her bottom so often comes when he loses his last job. For everyone there is a different bottom…a different “last straw,” be it infidelity, loss of health, domestic violence, incarceration, or bankruptcy, but for the codependent whose very identity depends upon the addict that bottom is likely to be a very low one.

Because these behaviors developed over a long period of time it is not reasonable to expect them to disappear overnight. Detaching from our closest family members is the most difficult detachment of all. We love these people, and they love us. These are the people who cared for us when we were helpless, who loved us when we were not so lovable. They gave birth to us or married us and bore our children. We shared Christmases, birthdays, paychecks and colds with them. We changed their diapers. However, even in the face of all of this history, we can only recover from our sick dependencies upon them when we do the hard work of changing ourselves from the inside out.

Most truths come to us through other people, such as parents, teachers and preachers. Other truths, however, come to us from personal experience, and those are always the most profound. One truth that came to me early in my program is this one; you never harm another person by growing yourself. You are half of every relationship, so when you grow you make the sum of the relationship greater. Some will just not go with you. Some are not willing to do so, some do not know where to start, and some never even think that thought. I have seen multiple means of making the break from family members in order to grow. Some have to sever the relationship altogether for a period of time. Some can continue the relationship on a shallow level and then allow the depth to come another day. Some have to accept the fact that the other person is never going to change. These are hard truths. The good news that comes to us through recovery is that change is possible. Change in thinking, change in behavior, change in attitude…all of this awaits the recovering individual who is willing to put forth the time and energy necessary to effect that change.

If you recognize yourself in any of these descriptions, please seek help through such community-based organizations as Al-Anon. Contact Al-Anon at 1-888-4AL-ANON or access their web site for meetings in your town at www.al-anon.alateeen.org.

Ken P.

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About the Author:
Men Living with Addicted People
Author’s qualifications
Ken P.

Ken P. was raised in poverty among what would in AA terminology be referred to as “low-bottom drunks.” Neither of his parents drank, but both were children of alcoholic mothers, and both had long histories of alcohol addiction in past generations. After watching two uncles die of acute alcoholism only a half of a block from his childhood home drinking on the same couch, he was married for 19 years to a woman who became a practicing alcoholic.
He is a singular man in that he has been active in the Al-Anon recovery program for 30 years, a program usually attended by women. Ken started attending meetings when men in Al-Anon were extremely rare. In 1976 he was one of only a few male Al-Anons in all of Houston. During three decades he has attended two to three meetings per week, led meetings, sponsored many men, spoken at major Al-Anon and AA conferences, and served as chairman of the board of directors for the Al-Anon Intergroup office, which serves over 200 weekly meetings in the Houston area.
Ken earned a BA degree in biology during the sixties in San Francisco from San Francisco State College. He performed menial labor for five years, working nights, weekends, and summers to pay his own way through college while supporting a young family.
Upon graduation, Ken entered the pharmaceutical industry as a sales representative, was moved to Texas and made responsible for sales to hospitals affiliated with medical schools, and then managed representatives responsible for sales in medical centers throughout the south. He was in the first class of hospital representatives selected for special training to set up and monitor drug studies. He successfully retired at the age of 54.
Friends and family describe Ken as a high energy, focused man who throughout his lifetime has excelled at tackling major projects that require years of dedication and successfully completing them.
Recently, Ken has dedicated himself to his 12-step program, and to tutoring students in the SAT, ACT, biology, higher math, and French. He began writing about the recovery process for men with addicted family members in June of 2006, and was soon joined by Scott B. and Bob T. The three men realized that, with their experiences in the corporate world, plus their exceptional levels of mutual trust developed after years of working the program together, they had a unique mix. Also, similar backgrounds with addicted family members were there, but one had survived an addicted wife, one an addicted mother, and another an addicted daughter. Each could therefore approach the subject of addiction from a totally separate viewpoint. The collaboration that began soon netted publication of the article titled “Are you Living with an Addicted Person?” in the July 1, 2007 issue of Going Bonkers Magazine. For Ken personally, publication of the book represents the chance to help the families of addicts on an even broader scale, which he is convinced is one of the most important purposes for his life.